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Massage Commandments

August 9, 2013

I think it’s time for a work post.  As a massage therapist, I get to to see the good, the bad, and the WTF?!  So here are some basic rules:

1.) I don’t need your complete life history before we even start.  I’m asking where it hurts and how it hurts.  Please don’t walk me through age 10 of falling off your bike, to your age 52 back surgery.  All so that I can focus on your foot.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

2.) I’m going to let you in a big secret: we genuinely don’t care about your butt…or any other part of your anatomy.  Now by that of course, I mean we don’t check it out or judge it.  We want to fix it, yes.  If you have sciatic pain, I need access to your glutes.  So for 1 hour, try and think of me more as your doctor, and ditch the underwear so I can do my job better.

3.)  Yes, we do see your boner.  No, we don’t really mind.  So for the love of God, RELAX!  I’m a grown woman, it’s not the first one I’ve seen (and sorry, but it isn’t the most or least impressive either).  So calm down and take a nap.  I promise not to flick it.

4.) Likewise, and I can’t stress this enough I AM A PROFESSIONAL!  I went to school for this.  It was not hand job school.  Do not, under any circumstances, try and get any ‘extras’ from your massage therapist.  Yes, I know those places exists.  But you better be damn sure you are at such a place before suggesting that.  It’s along the lines of a pregnant woman.  You really shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless it is so blatantly obvious that you can’t be wrong.  Those rules apply here.  You will at best get kicked out and blacklisted, and at worse, I will make you wish you never gave me access to your nerves and muscles.

5.)  Please quit telling us where it hurts.  You’ve told us at the beginning.  Just because it hurts in one 3 inch radius on your back, does not mean I should spend the entire hour there.  We know how the muscles of your body connect, trigger points, etc.  Trust us to do our job…even if that means we’re working a foot away from the area of pain.  We haven’t forgotten about it, the body is complicated.

6.)  Have some consideration for our time.  You are most likely not our only client that day.  If you show up 10 minutes late, that 10 minutes is coming out of your time.  I’m not making my next client, who is on time, have to wait.  Along with this, note that most of us only get paid per client.  If you don’t show up, or cancel at the last second, I don’t get paid.  I know, shit happens.  But after you do it once, I’m going to be ticked off.  As much as I love my job, I don’t do it for fun.  I do it to pay my bills.  Help a bitch out, mmmkay?

7.)  We are not one size fits all.  We all have our own unique styles and different modalities that we have been trained in.  I’m sorry your old therapist moved/retired or whatever.  I cannot duplicate their massage.  I will give you the best one I can though.  Sometimes, you just don’t mesh with a client.  It’s an extremely personal thing to find a regular massage therapist that you like, and we understand that.  But I can’t be someone else.

I think that covers most of the basic rules.  My fellow massage therapists, anything to add?  The rest of you: any funny or bad massage experiences you’d like to share?


From → Daily Rambles

  1. Rule number ALWAYS.) Take a shower, you stinky old hippie…

    • Seriously! I’m amazed at peopled that aren’t embarrassed to come in with their funky feet.

  2. Chelsea permalink

    You nailed it! I love this! Gave me a good chuckle.

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