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Wino Wednesday – Why I Will Make an Excellent Old Lady

September 18, 2013

Really, there are several reasons.  But we’ll start with what inspired this post: I went to the gym today.  I know, gold star for me.  Maybe we shouldn’t discuss that immediately after, I then craved top ramen and doritos.  I didn’t eat them, but I had naughty day dreams about them.  The real reason this is related to me being an old lady?  My hip went out again while I was running.  Anybody out there ever have an injury screw up what was going to be an epic workout?  I mean, I was feeling it.   Lungs weren’t on fire, shins were good, my playlist wasn’t sucking…..and then I went from 30 to 85 in the blink of an eye.  So. Pissed. Off.

I haven’t been working out regularly for a little while, so the fact that I was all excited in the first place and dragged my ass to the gym was impressive.  Less impressive?  The sexy hobble I was rocking at about 1.5 miles.  Luckily, my favorite personal trainer was near by and available to stretch me out.  That’s what she said.

Next up for why I’m an old lady in training: I want to punch a baby over the new iPhone.  Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t have one.  I’ve never had an iPhone.  Never will.  And not because I actually care about Mac vs PC and all that nonsense.  They are both equally horrible products, contributing to the God awful communications problems this country is facing.  Seriously.  I had a rant the other day about how much I get irritated by Instagram (which I also don’t have).  A bunch of people airbrushing themselves.  That’s what it really is.  Gee, thanks for your 400th selfie, which still looks NOT like you in real life.  I get it, we all want flattering pictures of ourselves, and who doesn’t want to see the million different ways you can capture your baby and your breakfast?  Except that really, you gave us the same picture yesterday, and the day before…just with a different filter and hashtag.   Moving on, otherwise I could be at this topic all day.

I need to have kids, if for no other reason than to fast forward and be a grandma.  Why?  Because I am pro status at feeding people.  Nothing gives me a more sick and twisted pleasure than forcing my husband to eat thirds at every meal….and then top him off with chocolate chip cookies.  All I need now is to check off that knitting or crocheting from my 40 before 40 list, and I’ll be fully trained for my golden years.

Drinking wine and playing bridge?  Preferably while retired and traveling?  Bring it.  I’m only 30, and I’m already exhausted with the standards that are expected of women my age.  Must. Look. Sexier.  Give it a rest.  Although I’m enjoying every bit of life right now and living in the moment most of the time, I’m really going to love having that pressure removed when I’m older.  Nobody expects an old lady to be on a diet, trendy, and up to date with technology.

The final, and probably number one reason why I will be the best old lady ever?  If I’m an old lady, that means Billy will be an old man.  (I will give everyone a heads up that this is getting into MAJOR TMI territory….you’ve been warned).  If Billy is an old man, that means the junk that I currently flop around absentmindedly, will be even MORE awesomely hangy.  Hours of entertainment in my future.

With that said, I’m going to get this posted before he reads it and tells me to get that information off the internet.  Cheers bitches.

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From → Wino Wednesdays

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