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Wino Wednesday – Why I Will Make an Excellent Old Lady

Really, there are several reasons.  But we’ll start with what inspired this post: I went to the gym today.  I know, gold star for me.  Maybe we shouldn’t discuss that immediately after, I then craved top ramen and doritos.  I didn’t eat them, but I had naughty day dreams about them.  The real reason this is related to me being an old lady?  My hip went out again while I was running.  Anybody out there ever have an injury screw up what was going to be an epic workout?  I mean, I was feeling it.   Lungs weren’t on fire, shins were good, my playlist wasn’t sucking…..and then I went from 30 to 85 in the blink of an eye.  So. Pissed. Off.

I haven’t been working out regularly for a little while, so the fact that I was all excited in the first place and dragged my ass to the gym was impressive.  Less impressive?  The sexy hobble I was rocking at about 1.5 miles.  Luckily, my favorite personal trainer was near by and available to stretch me out.  That’s what she said.

Next up for why I’m an old lady in training: I want to punch a baby over the new iPhone.  Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t have one.  I’ve never had an iPhone.  Never will.  And not because I actually care about Mac vs PC and all that nonsense.  They are both equally horrible products, contributing to the God awful communications problems this country is facing.  Seriously.  I had a rant the other day about how much I get irritated by Instagram (which I also don’t have).  A bunch of people airbrushing themselves.  That’s what it really is.  Gee, thanks for your 400th selfie, which still looks NOT like you in real life.  I get it, we all want flattering pictures of ourselves, and who doesn’t want to see the million different ways you can capture your baby and your breakfast?  Except that really, you gave us the same picture yesterday, and the day before…just with a different filter and hashtag.   Moving on, otherwise I could be at this topic all day.

I need to have kids, if for no other reason than to fast forward and be a grandma.  Why?  Because I am pro status at feeding people.  Nothing gives me a more sick and twisted pleasure than forcing my husband to eat thirds at every meal….and then top him off with chocolate chip cookies.  All I need now is to check off that knitting or crocheting from my 40 before 40 list, and I’ll be fully trained for my golden years.

Drinking wine and playing bridge?  Preferably while retired and traveling?  Bring it.  I’m only 30, and I’m already exhausted with the standards that are expected of women my age.  Must. Look. Sexier.  Give it a rest.  Although I’m enjoying every bit of life right now and living in the moment most of the time, I’m really going to love having that pressure removed when I’m older.  Nobody expects an old lady to be on a diet, trendy, and up to date with technology.

The final, and probably number one reason why I will be the best old lady ever?  If I’m an old lady, that means Billy will be an old man.  (I will give everyone a heads up that this is getting into MAJOR TMI territory….you’ve been warned).  If Billy is an old man, that means the junk that I currently flop around absentmindedly, will be even MORE awesomely hangy.  Hours of entertainment in my future.

With that said, I’m going to get this posted before he reads it and tells me to get that information off the internet.  Cheers bitches.

Weekend Fun…and Other Thoughts.

It’s about to feel like Christmas up in this bitch.  Know why?  WINE TASTING ON SATURDAY!!!  Scott and Jessie are coming all the way from WA this weekend for the best that Cali has to offer: which is wine and beaches.  I know you didn’t think I lived here for the abundance of plastic surgeons…

Jessie and I are about to bring the pain to enough cheese and wine to become honorary Frenchies.  Maybe we’ll even get drunk enough to use an accent at the wineries.  But that will probably be later.  I’m sure I’ll have to drive because Scott + Billy =

Scott

 

In completely unrelated news, and a super moment of TMI for everyone….why does a pimple wait for a weekend where you KNOW you’re going to be taking pictures?  Rude.

Other random events of the day….I made Billy chocolate chip cookies yesterday.  I know, don’t I sound like a sweet wife?  In reality, they’re like catnip for him.  If ever I wanted a $700 purse (never) or another vacation (much more likely), stuffing him with these until he looks like Violet from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the way to do it.  No joke, he had 8 of them last night. EIGHT, just in the evening.  If I were smart I would get this on video and use it as blackmail by claiming I’m going to show his clients.

I leave you with this final thought as you get ready for your weekend:  What do we think of this as a present for Billy?  Think I can get him drunk enough to wear it?

Contra Sweater

 

Wino Wednesday – Suck It Fall

That’s right, I hope your pumpkin spice lattes are weeping.  For the past one or two weeks I’ve been bombarded with people excited for ‘boots, and sweaters and pumpkins oh my!’  You can take your 8 million pumpkin recipes and shove them right up your ass.

My Washington Facebook ‘friends’ are worse for so many reasons; the biggest one of which is that YOU BARELY GET SUMMER!  But hey, I guess somebody has to live up there and actually  love that crap weather, right?  It’s just hard for me to understand why people are so fickle about seasons.  They moan and groan for MONTHS waiting for summer.  Then one heat wave hits and they’re over it.  Me personally?  I’m so excited that my summer doesn’t begin and end in August for the first time in six years, that I may throw up.  Really, I’ll probably just extend my beach time, but throwing up could technically go with that too (that bikini doesn’t wear itself people).  I kid, I would never be bulimic, I spend too much money on good food for that.  Moving on…

For those of you all jacked up about boots, really?  First of all, I hate having my feet confined that much.  Second, sandals are just cuter.  Unless you have fugly feet, but that’s another post.  So great, now it’s boot season for you.  If you’re in WA, I can’t wait to hear about how over boots you are in April.

Don’t take any of this the wrong way.  I actually DO enjoy pumpkin things.  And I think fall leaves are pretty.  But why not live in the moment instead of just waiting for the next thing?  Quit rushing it.  There’s a reason so many songs are about summer: it’s because it’s awesome.  Everyone is just a little bit more carefree, a little more adventurous.  I can’t think of any songs about the joy of scarves off the top of my head.

The only real way I want to differentiate seasons is by moving to more red wine instead of white.  It sure as shit isn’t about moving from iced tea to pumpkin lattes.  Disclosure: I don’t like coffee, and a pumpkin latte sounds like spiced up compost juice.

So this weekend I will go wine tasting and I will go to the beach.  There will be no apple picking and excited boot shopping for me.  For those of you in WA, I know you’re having one last final push of heat wave.  I suggest you enjoy it.  Come March you will be back in the bitter barn, dying for sun that will continue to elude you for another three months.  I know some of your are going to tell me how much some people like the rain and blah blah blah.  But I see it from you same people every year once you’ve had too much of that.  You go right back to being fickle and wanting something else.  Enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it.

This pretty much sums up what I’m trying to say: Summer

 

Which side are you on?  Good or evil?  Are you all jacked up for fall, or enjoy your final moments of carefree summer?

 

Update on 40 Before 40

One of my very first posts was a list of 40 things I’d like to learn or accomplish by the time I’m 40.  Although it’s a lot of fun to makes lists and I think they tend to make for popular blogs, I was very serious about this one (as serious as I’ll ever get on here at any rate).  You can view that post here if you’re interested.

For obvious reasons, this list is made up of things large and small.  It’s not difficult to make a list that includes visiting 70 countries or owning a yacht.  However, having the time and funds for stuff like that is a different things entirely.

Today I’m putting myself out there in a big way.  I’m doing this because I’m hoping that if everyone knows, it will force me to continue and not slack off on it.  I’ve started number 34.  I’m writing a book.  Maybe this isn’t very exciting to you.  But it is for me.  I’m not claiming to be writing the next Jane Austen classic over here, but I’m doing it.  It may be terrible….but at the end I will have written a book.  As a book nerd all my life this is a huge life accomplishment for me (or will be when I ever finish the damn thing.)  I even have a reasonable start on it: about 45 pages or so.

This is WAY outside my comfort zone, especially the thought of other people actually reading it.  Life is just too short to spend it just talking about doing things.  What’s the point of that?  I’m as guilty as the next person of sitting around with wine and waxing poetically about the exotic travels I’m going to have or business I’m going to run.  Okay, so it’s more of a buzzed rambling, but you get the idea.  Why don’t we DO more things?  Because we’re scared shitless of failing is the answer.  But I finally realized there’s nothing to fail at other than just not writing the book.  I’m certainly not wasting time by doing it.  Time that could be spent doing what?  Watching the Kardashians, hunting down all the dust in the house, or missing out on more internet cat memes?  Those things waste time, fulfilling a life dream doesn’t.

So there it is.  My dirty little secret I’ve been hiding.  And now you all know and can properly shame me if I don’t finish it.

 

What are you doing that you’re scared of?  If you’re not doing it yet….why?

Twerking

If you clicked on this expecting to see a video of me twerking….then you’re already drunk.  Unlike the chick that sets herself on fire (you know the one, it’s all over the internet today), I’m not crazy enough to film that.  Also, I just don’t bust out that level of gymnastics in my quest to look ‘sexy’.  In case you were under a rock today, here is the video.

I’m going to go ahead and bypass most of the twerking part.  Or the fact that she looks like a cheerleader and will likely never ‘twerk’ in a club setting or do anything else supposedly edgy or urban in her whole life.  We all know there’s enough Mileys, and people dedicated to talking about them, without me chiming in.  No, what I want to focus on takes us all back to being about five years old or so.  HOW DID THIS BITCH FORGET TO STOP, DROP, AND ROLL???

Seriously.  Break this video down.  We have a coffee table COVERED in candles…which makes no sense right off the bat because there appears to be sunlight streaming through a window.  Already weird.  Now you’ve made sure to set up the camera to capture your most alluring angle, which happens to be at the unlocked front door.  Clearly, you have roommates.  Strike two.  Then, just to add insult to injury: “oh snap, I’m on fire!  Quick, I better get on the extremely flammable couch.”  Ugh.  Strike three.

There’s really only two options here: either she’s giving cheerleaders everywhere a bad name by being as dumb as this video proves….or this was a legit attempt at 15 minutes of fame that went a little wrong.  I’m going with the latter.  I guess we’ll all find out when she shows up on Tosh.0 for her redemption.

That’s it.  I’m done being snarky…it’s Friday.  I need a drink.  What’s everyone else doing this weekend?  Also, do you have a twerking video?  If so, please send it to me (preferably only if it doesn’t have fire involved…I don’t want to promote that kind of nonsense.)  But I would love a good laugh.

Wino Wednesday – Why I Don’t Trust People Who Don’t Drink

There are many wonderful and amazing things in this world.  Things to appreciate and be in awe of, such as landscapes and architecture when you travel.  And smaller things, like when your husband does the dishes without being asked, or the pool is devoid of screaming bratty children.  But did you know, that all of these things can be even further improved with a glass of the right wine? (Or a cocktail, but I’m a wine lover as you all know….use your imagination and just -insert drink here-).

Excluding actual alcoholics, which I’m still not labeling myself as yet, I don’t understand people who can’t appreciate all that a good drink or three brings you.  What makes them wake up, head to that great anniversary steak dinner….and order a Coke.

 

You’re doing it wrong.

Even worse, people that go to fabulous tropical beachy settings and sip water all day.  Those umbrella drinks aren’t going to sip themselves people!  What is it these people have against cutting loose a little and enjoying things even more?  Ever try to do a fun activity with them, and watch them just suck the life right out of it?  I once went camping with one of these degenerates, and they just sat there while I drank my beers.  Gee, thanks for being a judgmental buzz kill.

We all know the best friends are the ones you can just sit around having a few drinks with and do nothing.  So what do those ‘other’ people do?  I promise, it’s much more fun to talk about Ryan Reynold’s ass  and the skinny bitch you saw on the treadmill earlier if you’re having a drink.  I’m suspicious of what you do with your hands otherwise.  And how do you know when it’s time to leave if you can’t count the wine bottles?

Perhaps most important of all: how are you supposed to go wine tasting!?!  It’s one of the best ways ever to spend a Saturday, and they NEVER do it.  I don’t know how to explain to them what they’re missing out on.  Of course, these are likely the same people trying to explain to me what I’m missing out on with children…as theirs pitch a massive fit in the background white trying to drown the cat.

In conclusion, I think we need to round up all these poor, sad souls, and slip them some sauce in the form of a fruity bitch drink they won’t taste it in.  Once they’re sufficiently buzzed, we will clue them in to the wonderful world that they have been missing.

 

Do any of you have one of these ‘sober’ friends?  What do you do with them??

Tasty Tuesday – The Laminate List Round 3

It’s raining men!  Well, ok, it’s sunny out….and it kind of makes me wish these next 2 men would serve me cocktails on the beach, shirtless.  When we last left off, I gave you Ryan Reynolds and Chris Evans.  And you probably gave yourself private moments.  As promised, today I will show you the original power point slides, created by the oh so patient Mister.  Now keep in mind, this was almost a year ago (so things like Robin Thicke blowing up your summer radio and grinding on Miley weren’t a thing yet).  But really, I make no apologies.  A few guys were last minute fill ins to get to 32, and others, well….I do what I want.

PP1 PP2 PP3 PP4

 

So in case you haven’t figured it out, my remaining men are Hugh Jackman and Chris Hemsorth.  After this list was made by the way, yes, I did realize that I apparently have a super hero fetish going on.  But come on ladies, who doesn’t want a man that can save the world from impending doom while looking all sweaty and delicious?  In case you needed more of an explanation, I’ve provided my evidence below.

Hugh 1 Hugh 2 Hugh 3 Hugh 4

 

And finally: my number ONE.  This was hard.  You saw the original list.  How to pick just one?  Well, a Norse God isn’t a bad way to go.  Add in yet another Aussie accent, and I was sold.  Chris Hemsworth folks.

 

Thor 1 Thor 2 Thor 4Thor 5

 

There you have it.  All of my men.  Thoughts?  Drool?  Did you try and lick the screen?  Don’t worry, I’ve thought about it too.

 

P.S.  I know some of the brackets are confusing…I’m not sure why.  But you get the idea, all 32 are accounted for in the beginning at least.

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